


Cooking 101

by aces



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-14
Updated: 2010-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-07 06:32:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/62382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aces/pseuds/aces
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's like basketball, only with pasta.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cooking 101

**Author's Note:**

> Set before "Beachhead" during the 9th season.

"Do you actually _know_ what you're doing?"

"Yes," said Teal'c.

Anyone else, hearing that tone, would have subsided. Vala Mal Doran was not anyone else. She hopped up onto the counter to the left of the stove and peered down into the rather-overly-large-for-their-needs pot. "You really just boil the water, dump in a bit of this vegetable oil, and then toss in some of this pasta? It's as simple as that?"

"Yes," Teal'c repeated, voice deepening into an even more repressive timbre. "It is as simple as that."

Vala peered up at the Jaffa, made a small "O" of comprehension with her mouth, and sat back. "Right." She shook her head. "I never was any good at cooking. Every stew I tried to make before I was taken as a host came out terrible, and my bread never rose properly, and after I was a host—well. Not much call for a god who can cook, is there?"

Teal'c cocked his head to one side, as if the thought had never occurred to him before, and raised a conceding eyebrow. He turned away to the row of tall refrigerators and freezers, opening each door methodically. He quickly found what he was looking for—an already-opened jar of red sauce.

He set it on the counter next to Vala as he went to the other side of the kitchen, intent upon finding more cooking utensils. Vala held up the jar and read it with a frown. "Mari-nara," she pronounced carefully. "What's in this?"

"Tomatoes," Teal'c called from the other side of the room, digging out saucepans and frying pans and cutting boards and knives. Everything was still overly large for only two people, but that didn't seem to concern him. He managed to juggle it all back to the counter with a dignity no one else could have managed. "As well as various vegetables and spices. You will like it." His tone suggested he would brook no opposition on this point. "Go to the freezer and find a box labeled 'meatballs.'"

"Meatballs?" Vala slid off the counter and sauntered over to the silver cabinets. "I'm not sure I like my meat being in balls. Then again," she added with a grin and a chuckle, glancing back at Teal'c. He stared at her steadily. She quickly sobered and went back to hunting down the package.

"There should be bread beside the freezers as well," Teal'c told her, as he opened the marinara sauce and poured a generous amount into the saucepan. He eyed it and added a little more. "Please bring a loaf of Texas toast here."

Vala found the meatballs. "Alright, alright," she groused, grabbing a partially demolished loaf of bread as well. "_You_ offered to cook, you know. I know nothing about—any of this."

"That is why I will teach you," Teal'c told her.

"I didn't _ask_ to be taught, did I?" Vala retorted. "I only said I was hungry. And you didn't say anything about turning this into some sort of educational opportunity. I could have gone to Daniel for that."

Teal'c was about to respond when the archaeologist himself entered the room, brow wrinkled. "Uh, hi, guys. What's going on?"

"We're cooking," Vala responded immediately, while Teal'c's mouth was still open. She grinned brightly at Daniel. "Bet you didn't know I could do that, did you?" She leaned sultrily back against the counter.

Daniel exchanged knowing glances with the Jaffa as he approached. He stood between the other two, peering down into the pot of water that hadn't started boiling yet. Vala turned around, resting her elbows on the countertop and peering in as well, just happening to let her cheek brush Daniel's shirtsleeve. He pulled back hastily and looked around at the other bits and pieces of cooking ware scattered about.

"Spaghetti and meatballs, huh?" He grinned when Teal'c nodded. "Mind if I join you?"

Teal'c inclined his head, smiling a little. "Not at all, Daniel Jackson."

"Oh, yes, do," Vala twisted to smile over her shoulder at Daniel. He frowned at her reprovingly. She looked unrepentant. He turned to Teal'c. "What do you need me to do?"

"Cook the meatballs," said Teal'c.

"Okaaay, I can do that." Daniel picked up the frying pan and set it on a burner on the far side of the stove, opposite the one holding the pot of water. He turned the heat to medium and waited for it to get hot. "Uh…" He pulled the box open and took out a couple frozen meatballs. "Shouldn't these have already been defrosted?"

Vala and Teal'c blinked at him.

"I've only ever made my own meatballs…." Daniel looked between the two of them, then shrugged his shoulders. "Never mind, I'm sure it'll work out somehow."

Teal'c turned to Vala. "Butter the bread." He presented her with a butter knife.

"Where's the butter?" She stared at the knife without taking it.

"Fridge," Daniel said at the same moment that Teal'c said, "Refrigerator."

Vala huffed but fetched the butter obediently. She picked up the cutting board and took the knife from Teal'c as she stalked past, stopping at the counter next to Daniel. He suppressed a sigh. She took a few pieces of bread out of the packaging and leant in a little closer to Daniel to speak confidentially. "I take it you don't cook much either?"

"Not on base, no," Daniel answered, fixedly watching the empty frying pan. He waved a hand over it vaguely. "Why?"

"Does—pasta—_really_ only require water and vegetable oil to cook?"

Daniel couldn't help smiling a little, or glancing over at the woman as she wrestled with hard butter and soft bread. Thankfully she didn't notice him looking at her. "Yes," he told her gently, "it really only requires water and vegetable oil to cook. _Nobody_ can screw up pasta."

"That's not necessarily true," a new voice chimed in, and all three turned around. Colonel Mitchell was leaning against the wall just inside the door, watching the trio in amusement. "I once managed to make an entire pot of noodles—bigger'n the one you've got going there—congeal into a solid, sticky mass because I let it cook too long. One of the most disgusting things I've ever had to handle." He strode up to join them and leaned a hip against the counter next to Vala. "Can I ask _what_ the hell you're doing making pasta at three o'clock in the morning?"

"Couldn't sleep," Daniel and Vala said simultaneously and glared at each other suspiciously. Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Indeed," he added and went to get a couple wooden spoons he'd forgotten for stirring.

"And Teal'c promised he'd make me an authentic Earth meal that didn't involve Jello," Vala continued irrepressibly, attacking the bread with the butter with renewed gusto. "But he _didn't_ tell me I'd have to help cook it."

"Oh, I don't know," Daniel said, grinning at the frying pan again. He waved a hand again; this time he was satisfied with the heat emanating from the burner and reached for the meatballs. "Maybe it's a good thing you're helping him. You should hear about the first time he tried to cook."

The drawer rattling that had been going on for the past minute or so abruptly ceased. "Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said. "If you continue with this story, I may be forced to retaliate."

Cameron and Vala looked between the two oldest members of SG-1 standing in the room. "Don't worry," said the intrigued colonel, "we'll protect you. Tell us about the first time Teal'c cooked, Jackson."

"Jack let him use the barbecue," Daniel said, apparently incapable of tearing his eyes away from the slowly defrosting meatballs in the pan. They were starting to sizzle. "It caught on fire. I think it was also the first time Teal'c had ever seen a fire extinguisher in use. The chicken was never the same again…"

Vala snickered. Cameron put a hand over his mouth, a little more polite—or a little wiser—than Vala. Teal'c started toward Daniel, holding a wooden spoon menacingly. "Now, hold on there," Mitchell said, stepping in front of Teal'c and holding his hands up. "Put down the spoon, Teal'c, and nobody has to get hurt."

Daniel glanced up at Teal'c sideways. He gave the Jaffa his best boyish smile. Teal'c glared. Daniel's eyebrows went through a variety of wiggles and gyrations that indicated innocence. Teal'c continued to glare.

"We can always tell them about the time on Argos when Jack ate a cake and had sex with that girl and it made him age really, really quickly," Daniel said brightly, ducking around Cameron to pluck the wooden spoon from Teal'c's hand and return to the stove to poke at meatballs.

Teal'c relaxed. Vala looked interested, butter knife forgotten in her hand. "Oh yeah," Cameron said, returning to his spot against the counter. "I remember reading about that one. You guys got into some seriously _weird_ shit, you know that?"

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get your fair share of it too," Daniel reassured him as Teal'c set the saucepan on the stove and turned the heat on under it. He started dumping in extra spices.

"_Don't_ add the garlic again," Daniel said. "You always put in enough to make all vampires in a hundred-mile radius explode into piles of dust. Give it to Vala." Teal'c calmly shook a few bits of dried garlic into the pan before reaching across Daniel to set the bottle down in front of Vala. Daniel just shook his head.

"Butter some more bread," Cameron told Vala, "you don't mind if I join you all, do you?"

"Not at all," said Vala sweetly, "so long as you _help_."

"Privilege of command, lady," Mitchell said with just as sweet a smile, "I get to stand back and make sure you do it right."

Daniel plucked the butter knife from Vala's fingers before she could so much as point it at the colonel. "Why don't I finish up the bread while you watch the meatballs," he said, gently maneuvering her to his former position at the stove. She squawked a little but let herself be moved. "You _do_ know how to cook meat, right?"

"I said I was a terrible cook, not a completely clueless one," she sniped, and Daniel held up his hands placatingly, having forgotten he was still holding the knife.

"Sorry, sorry, just checking…make sure to turn those meatballs so they get evenly browned." He stared down at the wreck of buttered bread on the cutting board. "The problems with impromptu cooking," he sighed to Mitchell, "become considerably worse when dealing with cold and frozen foods…"

Cameron grinned and clapped Daniel on the shoulder. "I'm sure it'll turn out great," he said consolingly.

"Erm, Teal'c?" Vala was peering into the large pot. Teal'c had gone back to get another spoon. "This water looks like it's been boiling rather a long time. Where's that pasta?"

"Sitting right next to you on the counter," Mitchell said. "Why don't you dump it in the pot?"

"I hate boiling water," Vala said, picking up the industrial-size box of spaghetti. "It always _bites_. How much of this do I put in?"

"_Not_ the whole box!" Daniel snatched it from her before she could start pouring. "There is only four of us, Vala, remember?"

Vala shrugged. "Maybe I like pasta?"

Daniel looked at Mitchell. Mitchell shrugged. "She's your girlfriend." Teal'c may or may not have laughed, over by the spoons drawer. Daniel raised his head to glare at Teal'c's back on principle before measuring out a small portion of the box of pasta, breaking the long sticks in half. Teal'c returned with his spoon, looking utterly serene.

"So, Colonel," Daniel said, returning to the bread to do with it the best he could. "You never said what _you_ were doing up at three in the morning."

"Couldn't sleep either," Mitchell shrugged and wandered off to find plates and forks and knives. "And when I started wandering around, I heard strange noises from the kitchen, so I just had to investigate…"

"Scoot over," Daniel told Vala, nudging her out of the way so he could put another frying pan on the stove for the garlic bread. They were lucky the base had such a big stove, with three of them standing in a row, watching various foods. Vala stuck her tongue out. Daniel stuck his out in return, rather absent-mindedly as he fiddled with the temperature setting to get it exactly right. He was finicky about his garlic bread. Teal'c stirred the spaghetti with one hand, the sauce with another. Mitchell started laying out four place settings at the large table in the center of the kitchen.

"You guys almost done there yet?" he called, happily clanking plates and clinking forks. "It's actually beginning to smell good."

"That's probably the meatballs Vala's burning," Daniel answered, and Vala swatted him on the arm. "Don't make me come at you with this knife," he said, holding up the dull-edged butter knife, still somewhat covered in butter. Vala wrinkled her nose.

"You wouldn't _dare_," she said.

He paused. "Not when you've got meatballs to defend yourself with, no," he relented and set the knife down on the cutting board. "I _did_ tell you to turn those things, didn't I?"

"I am! They refuse to stay turned." She poked at one again, petulantly.

"Perhaps you should have continued cooking stew, Vala Mal Doran," Teal'c suggested, still proving his dexterity with stirring.

"I told you that in the strictest of confidence, Teal'c," Vala pouted. "I'll never trust you with a secret again."

"You have secrets?" Daniel blinked in surprise.

"Children," Cameron said warningly from the table. "Cook the bread, Jackson. Turn the meatballs, Vala. And Teal'c…don't encourage them."

"I apologize, Colonel Mitchell," Teal'c said, not sounding particularly apologetic. He turned the heat off under the pasta and brought it over to the closest sink, grabbing the colander along the way.

"You sure that's fully cooked?" Mitchell said. Teal'c didn't even have to turn to glare. "Okay, you're sure…" He rejoined the other two at the stove and clapped his hands. "Well, I'm ready. Is it done yet?" He stared at the meatballs. "Wow. You really _don't_ know how to turn meatballs, do you?"

Vala threatened him with the dirty, greasy wooden spoon she'd been using on the meat. "Don't _you_ start as well," she said, "Mister-Colonel-I-just-_supervise_."

"Forget I mentioned it," Cameron said hastily. "Jackson, what about that garlic bread? Damn, it smells good!"

"Almost there," Daniel said, turning a couple pieces of toast over to check their brownness. "You might just stir the sauce a little while Teal'c's busy with the spaghetti…"

Vala smiled sunnily at the colonel. Daniel once again practiced his innocent eyebrow acrobatic act. Mitchell rolled his eyes and walked around them to the saucepan. Vala elbowed Daniel in triumph. He elbowed her back to knock it off.

"This stuff's bubbling," Mitchell said as he stirred, eyeing the sauce. "It's done, I'm telling you." He turned the heat off, then reached over to turn the heat off under the meatballs. "And there's not really much we can do for those poor, innocent, defenseless meatballs…c'mon, let's eat."

"Are you usually this hungry at three in the morning, Colonel Mitchell?" Teal'c asked, bringing the pot back with the water-less spaghetti.

"When I'm awake at this time of day, yeah," Cameron retorted. "I'll grab the pot-holders; you guys take everything over to the table."

Daniel ended up with both the sauce and the pan of garlic bread, while Vala held the meatball pan as far away from her as possible. "It's spitting!" she exclaimed. "It's just like boiling water, only worse!"

"Oh, quit your whining," the colonel said, running back to the table to strewn pot-holders around the middle of it. The others set down their pots and pans. "You get to eat it, don't you?"

"Oh," Daniel frowned, staring at the table. "We didn't make a salad."

"We'll live," Mitchell said, sitting down at the head of the table. "Sit."

The others sat.

For a couple moments they were silent, passing the dishes around to take pasta, sauce, meat, bread. They all cautiously tasted it. The meatballs were a little crispy on the outside and still a little cold on the inside, Teal'c had put too much garlic in the sauce _again_, and Daniel sadly realized that even his skills at toasting bread couldn't save the butter-massacre, but it was, surprisingly, not too bad.

"Teal'c," Daniel said, "you did a fantastic job with the spaghetti."

"Thank you, Daniel Jackson."

"See? Be glad I didn't help cook," Mitchell told Vala on his left. Teal'c sat across from him. "I probably would have burnt the meatballs even worse than you."

"I'm still not sure about meat being shaped as balls," Vala muttered, holding up a piece of meatball to study it. She grinned suddenly, brightly, up at Daniel. "Well, other than…"

He glared at her repressively. She sighed and ate her meatball.

"Of course you realize," Daniel said abruptly, as he stood to fill the coffeepot, "eating spaghetti at three o'clock in the morning is not a very normal thing to do either. We can't even blame Gate-lag."

"Who cares?" Mitchell said, mouth full. "Garlic bread's good any time of day."

Vala stared at him. "Just remember to brush your teeth later," she said.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. "As you should have done after eating those Doritos two days ago."

"Hey! I was hungry."

"General Landry was not impressed," Teal'c replied.

"I didn't realize the briefing was coming up _that_ soon," Mitchell said, waving his free hand. Daniel put a mug in it. "Oh," Cameron blinked, then looked up. "Thanks." Daniel sat down again, sipping from his own cup of coffee.

Soon the garlic bread was demolished, the spaghetti in ruins, the sauce totally gone, half the meatballs looking a little forlorn in their pan. The colonel sat back from the table, Teal'c put his elbows on the table because he hadn't been raised not to, and Vala tried to play footsie with Daniel.

"So," said Daniel, pushing his chair so far back he was practically sitting against the counter. "Who's washing the dishes?"

There was a pause.

"He is," Vala said, pointing at Mitchell, while Mitchell pointed at Vala and said, "She is."

Daniel looked thoughtful. "I suppose we could leave everything for the morning staff to clean up…"

Teal'c stood up. "We will _all_ clean the dishes," he pronounced, and took his plate and utensils and glass to the sink. He turned on the hot water.

The other three looked at each other.

"Oh," they said.

"Well then…" Daniel added.

They made Vala clean the meatball pan.


End file.
